lists keep getting longer. time seems to be getting shorter - though i am much more aware of the present lately - with every move i make - from shoulders, to ankles, to hips, and knees - the pain of every movement makes the present so much less of a gift [or painfully aware of it] - 'til i lose myself in books and reading, in writing and painting, in planning and working, in prayer, meditation, meetings, people, nature, ...
when my mind isn’t engaged, my body revolts ...
funny thing about time - simultaneously accurate and vague, but we are all held accountable - aren’t we?
5;30 am - predawn wake up in early october to the sound of darkness, rain, and falling leaves. everything reverberates a little thinner with more distance as the backdrop of foliage recedes with the light. only a month or so ago i was awakened half an hour earlier by forest activity that mimicked times square on a saturday night [minus the horns, sirens, and rudeness - with the exception of a couple of crow]. it’s difficult to be excited without the excitement.
so those of us without ample sun and warmth become task oriented and ‘responsible’ to fulfill or fortify whatever cause that defines us.
the ‘yin’ of year depends upon self generated motivation.
the ending summer sunlight
struggles through my room
blushing trees
with autumn’s breeze
that opens winters’ tomb ...
[circa 1963, minersville,pa]
since my heritage is baltic, i’m probably hardwired to respond so emotionally to the onset of winter. what was it like for my plebeian ancestors - what did they endure - and choose to continue to endure on a daily basis [obviously, or i wouldn’t be here]?
to return ...
she silently hovers ...
with confidence,
like no others ...
floating above me ...
velvet and star light,
luminous highlights ...
larger than thought ...
breath of wonder
perfect in form,
pausing in silence ...
vanished,
to return ...
maybe i lured her ...
my beacons of light -
from forest and darkness,
under cover of night ...
through oceans of space ...
eternity amplified,
in pulsating cries ...
the prowl made her come ...
risking exposure,
with cautious abandon ...
to return ...
insatiably perplexed,
knowing her presence
may form regret.
[july,2003 - raubsville,pa]
4:30 a.m. today - take another hour away - yesterday didn’t seem long enough - so add another hour of consciousness and a little less sleep. sleep for what? to heal, to rest, to dream, to forget, to remember, to refresh, to rehearse, ...
if you take away all the things you think you need, what’s left?
if the things you think you need are taken away, what do you do?
the will to survive, the ability to adapt, ...
basic instincts in the 21st century?
aspiration or assimilation?
to hold or to reach, to endure or to hope, to need or to want,
to be or to dream, ...
thoughts meander through a serpentine of bumper realities keeping me caught between dreams and diminishing schemes as i lean into the fall season clung upon a base belief for relief from what i feel might be a heart breaking beginning of tumultuous ends without means or meanings or will to pretend what gives hope in surrender and loss of defense to a life spent for nothing but art and repents.
pervasive - the need - to apply paint and color, color upon color, to blend, shift, and move paint, to create and eliminate everything but the experience for edification; the essentials - line, color, fields, zones, context, and perhaps meaning, perhaps nothing more than the experience of time or life with paint and painting; abstracted beyond fundamental surroundings or reality and somewhat superficial as its surface reflects only portions of passion of what is known of life and loss today ... scattered scraps in an arena where the most respected survived ... and why ...
some truth is - what lies - behind a painting
for the moment - without defense or offense - just to see, to experience the moment with paint, in paint; the alchemists’ ritual of discovery attached to something ‘otherly’ ...
experience that ...
and what if ? if i obliterate what i’ve worked so hard to accomplish - to paint over - with the hope and blind faith that i could create something more; perhaps better, different, relevant ...who else, but a painter, alchemist, or lunatic would go beyond asking ...
only what dreamers begin to do ...
‘a terrible wound’ ... six syllables spoken like a sneeze with shock and relief ...a mantra of profound distress ... a breath and release ... gone to forever ...
the ‘thing’ and where it is ...
places and things ...
think about the changes - adapt to the ‘new world order’ - bring the art[studio] to the people if they don’t come to the art[studio] - since my work is seasonal, i can reduce my expenses by bringing the studio to climates and locations that provide inspiration, venues, and potential clients.
why zone - why the need to categorize, bracket, and isolate ...
to define the entity(ies) for their intrinsic value, purpose, or use ...
why judge - why not simplify: elements in a field of neutrality - why the elements in the first place - other than to compare their relationships under different circumstances/conditions - a leaf on a tree - in a forest, is an element in context - rather than a leaf on a road, or in the water, etc. - the other contexts have their own defining characteristics - what about an expressionistic mark upon a surface [the leaf] - definitely an urge to respond to something (environment, ideas, mental/physical condition) or communicate to someone or your ‘self’ - why isn’t the mark and the surface enough [as in the case of kline, dekooning, moses, et al] - or is it the assemblage of multiple marks: their difference, sameness, and survival of the ‘edit’ that makes them more appealing, provocative, relational... - in different contexts and degrees of editing - a picture of surviving parts - parts with their own evolutionary cycle -
so much of everything - what difference does anything make - a friend with a new cd explained all its virtue - what if i got it - how would i listen to it - would i have time to really hear it - would i be prejudiced by my own taste, experience, or conditions of exposure - would it matter - or would it be just another dilettantes’ fetish ...
walt whitman said, ‘be sure you dream large enough so you don’t lose sight while chasing them’.
the business world today ...
heard something last evening; with everything changing as fast as it does today, everything becomes a ‘crisis’. the speed of information - entropy - five year plans becoming five day plans - adaptability, merging, and blending into the grand scheme of things - and who knows what the scheme is beyond survival ...
